Part of military life is about leaving, but it’s also about finding your strength, your courage, and where you belong.

— unknown.

You tell yourself that if you sleep through most of it that it will go by faster. But getting to sleep is so hard. You get the kids down for bed, the house is nice and quiet you tell yourself that you’re going to take an hour or so to wind down from the day. Then the next thing you know you’re staring off into nothing, crying, again, and the seconds are ticking in slow motion. By now you have cried so much that your head is pounding and it feels impossible to fall asleep, and when you finally do you wake up every couple of hours from some dream that gives you false hope that it was all fake, and you look over, and they still aren’t there. Then it all wells up again and you’re back at it, crying uncontrollably. To most people this sounds like an exaggeration or maybe “a bit too much”, an overreaction if you will, but I just described to you what I go through every night for at least the first 5 nights each time my husband is away.

There is a stigma around military spouses, that none of us actually love our service member spouse. I cannot speak for the rest of the community, but I can say for me, that could not be further from the truth. My husband is my best friend and favorite person in the entire world. Being apart from him is just functioning day by day with a happy face on so that the kids don’t feel sad. Creating a sense of comfort for them that this is just temporary. And it is, all temporary… but in the moment for the person who doesn’t have someone to create a sense of something other than reality, it feels so permanent. That’s me, the person who feels sad all the time, but smiles through the pain to keep others calm, and then lays down at night and cant hold back the tears anymore.

Tonight is night one of this period of separation. So I guess this is me introducing myself, hoping that I can give other spouses in a similar situation a sense that they aren’t alone in this. There IS someone else out there who is feeling what you’re feeling. Or maybe nobody will ever read this and this will be my public diary or outlet or whatever you want to call it. Either way, getting it out feels better than holding it in or talking to people who respond with “welcome to military life, get used to it.” We get it Linda, your spouse has been in for 15 years and you’ve seen it all, but we are allowed to feel things too, GEEZE.

Talk to ya tomorrow

-S